The U.S. Senator from tree-hugging Vermont has finally seen the light, and made a ‘yuge’ transformation, he says.
After several secret overtures, real estate mogul and self-declared King of America, Donald J. Trump has apparently seduced U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders into the joys of capitalism and the former sappy socialist from Vermont is begging forgiveness from “yuge” Wall Street behemoths.
In a major rally today outside of the New York Stock Exchange, the contrite commie Sanders says that he loves capitalism, big orange hair, hot skinny babes, imperialism and crass oligarchies.
“I, I, was wrung,” the Brooklyn native said in a thick-as-a-knish accent. A translator and Trump were at his side. (There were news reports before the rally that Trump was going to publicly deport Sanders to Brooklyn and build a wall around Williamsburg.)
“Socialism is for losers — I admit it. I’m sick and tired of hearing about these damned whiny people — get a life and use your own bootstraps for once. I’m tired of helping all these complainers!” Sanders yelled into the “yuge” crowd that had gathered on Wall Street. “The downtrodden – it’s like a broken record. Economic inequality! Whine, whine! Rigid social hierarchy! Tough! Do you want government to regulate reincarnation? Just accept your lot in life and, please, drop dead when you’re supposed to! Social security is running out of money!”
Sanders then turned toward Trump and gave him a “bro” hug and kiss that only the “Feel the Bern” millennial male supporters would understand.
Bernie smiles as he thinks of the bucks and more waiting for him via his new Wall Street pals.
“I am a new man — not a sellout!” Sanders yelled to the crowd. “I love this guy like a brother!” He waved a large hand toward Trump who motioned for him to quickly hide it. “I am suspending my campaign today and will NOT lead the loser Democrats and I am joining the Trump movement because I’m a winner! Will you join me?”
The crowd went wild with this announcement and showed their appreciation by raising their arms in a typical Sanders way, similar to a flapping pelican.
“I may even join the ticket!” Sanders yelled as the crowd screamed for more. “But I have to mud wrestle Chris Christie first!” Trump staff confirmed that Sanders and Christie will have a mud wrestling match on CNN to determine which one takes the vice president’s slot; Andersen Cooper will officiate. “I want my haa-yuuge following to walk in goose-step with the Trump followers,” Sanders crowed. “No more fighting — we must unite our anger. We are sending out brown shirts to show our unity with the fury that we have stoked in this great country.” At that point, Trump’s staff began handing out brown tee shirts that read “Bern with Trump!”
“And, now, the leader, in English!” Sanders said as Trump came to the microphone.
Before he could speak, though, Trump had to wait for about 10 minutes as the crowd chanted his name and raised their fists, which were covered in special campaign foam gloves that read “Trump Hands It To Ya.”
However, in the middle of the Trump-fest chanting, there was another shock.
Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton took off her disguise as a Wall Street power-executive, stepped out of her Brooks Brothers pin-striped suit and began yelling, “You people are brainless lemmings being led off a cliff!” She was wearing a fluffy, pink pantsuit from Ralph Lauren, which she modeled for the crowd. They applauded her choice of couture.
An eager Trump follower caught a glimpse of a rabid Hillary before she viciously attacked the Trump rally.
As the former Secretary of State spoke, people started backing away from her and the sudden silence was similar to Trump’s answers to complex questions. Her screechy tirade continued and threatened the patriarchs of Wall Street, one of whom commented. “Couldn’t she at least wear a dress or something tight to a Trump rally? My maid in Greenwich dresses better than her!”
“Fine! Hate me all you want,” the aging and masculine former first lady said. “But think about it. Donald Trump has turned Bernie into an egotistical, capitalist-loving, womanizing new member of the white American heterosexual male oligarchy! The question you should be asking: Is Donald Trump Satan incarnate? And what the hell was Susan Sarandon thinking?”
From the stand, Sanders yelled back to Clinton: “We’re dating!” referring to Sarandon. “I’m doing like my bro here and dumping Jane for a new model,” the ex-socialist chuckled, while motioning toward Trump. “I’m going for Megyn Kelly next, bro!”
The crowd went from silence to a roar and then charged toward Clinton, whose last yell was: “Jane Sanders is my running mate, so there!!” Clinton was escorted screaming and kicking from the event.
The soon-to-be-former and heartbroken Mrs. Sanders was reported to have accepted Clinton’s offer and will be sporting a new hairdo at a press conference tomorrow. “Something puffy, bouncy and big,” said Mrs. Sanders’ publicist.
“Am I the greatest negotiator or what?” Trump said as Clinton was dragged away. “Everyone loves or me or they die!”
Happy April Fools Day FTF News Readers!
