In an exclusive interview with FTF News, President Obama reveals that he was wrong about Dodd-Frank and that he’s “really super-sorry!”
President Barack “Hussein” Obama II has had second thoughts about the Dodd-Frank Act and is now willing to entirely repeal the so-called reform legislation much to the glee of Republicans everywhere.
“To hell with it,” Obama said in a candid moment during an exclusive interview with FTF News. “I didn’t know it was going to lead to all this red tape and reports. What on Earth are we going to do with all these reports on boring trades and risk management plans? Wall Street, I’m really super-sorry!”
Obama also charges that the authors of Dodd-Frank hoodwinked him.
“Chris Dodd and Barney Frank took me out for drinks when they were proposing this massive overhaul of the financial services industry,” Obama said. “I signed some documents that maybe I should have read more closely. Michelle told me not to sign anything before she reads it. God, I should have listened to her!”
Dodd, who was last seen in Connecticut during the cocktail hour, and Frank were unavailable for comment about the alleged conspiracy.
However, as reported by FTF News, former U.S. Congressman Frank says the forthcoming U.S. presidential election will determine the fate of the massive financial services reform legislation. Frank, who has acknowledged that he was born in New Jersey, says the future of the Dodd-Frank Act depends on the outcome of 2016 presidential election. He is certain that the law will be repealed if the Republicans win the White House, Senate and House of Representatives next year.
“I also do not wear white after Labor Day – I know that’s harsh but some traditions must be maintained,” says Frank, who admits he is a slave to fashion.
U.S. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was as ecstatic as he could be when FTF News called to get his reaction to Obama’s change of heart on Dodd-Frank. “Wow,” McConnell said. “That’s something. Um, wow.”
Jeb Hensarling, the Republican chairman of the House Financial Services Committee, was more effusive when told of Obama’s flip-flop. “God, let me call Jamie Dimon! We’re BFFs! Dimon said he would cave! And Jamie owes me big time for making fun of my first name.”
When reached for comment, Demon, chairman, president, CEO and Emperor-for-Life of JPMorgan Chase, said that as soon as Dodd-Frank is repealed he would urge Wall Street to create derivatives based on the use of future airspace over tall buildings. “New York has a lot of tall buildings and we can make money out of thin air! Fine me again, Elizabeth Warren!”
When asked what Wall Street should do after it has invested millions in complying with Dodd-Frank, Obama was temporarily speechless. “I guess I’ll send Bill Clinton to them. He will feel their pain and, of course, gather some donations for you know who.”
Finally, in reference to Sen. Warren from Massachusetts, Obama says that she has told him that she is sick and tired of being the lone populist to save America from Wall Street evildoers. “Maybe it was a weak moment but she called me last night to say that she’s resigning and wants to become a Republican housewife. She’s dating Scott Brown — her Cosmopolitan centerfold opponent in the Bay State. I know! And she said, ‘I wanna bake the cookies that Hillary wouldn’t.’ The world has gone insane.”
Editor’s note: Oops! We’re just kidding. Happy April Fool’s Day!
For a real update on the state of Dodd-Frank’s derivatives rules and how to cope with them, check out FTF’s two-day DerivOps North America conference on April 21 and 22, with a keynote by CFTC Chairman Timothy Massad.
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